Journal Through Recovery Entry 10: Disclosure Day 2

CASTIMONIA

I woke up today knowing I have one chance. One chance to break out of deception, addiction, and further damaging everyone around me including me.  I have been bargaining with God all night.  Do I really have to tell everything?  If she knows I had or even attempted sexual intercourse with her former friend, she has told me that will be it and she will leave me.  I remember what I heard in my Castimonia meeting last night, the one where everyone knew I was in the midst of an intensive.  I heard and was reminded that my recovery is not dependent on how she responds.

I don’t want to be this way. Not anymore.  I am deep in shame.  I don’t really spend time in emotions and I am being forced to do so now.  I hurt all over from the depth of my depravity.  I didn’t know emotions…

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Journal Through Recovery Entry 07: Preparing for Disclosure

CASTIMONIA

“Hi, I need to reserve a date for an intensive for my wife and I.”

Did I just say that out loud? On the phone?  And really do that?  Ok, I think maybe I need a counselor AND a psychiatrist! My insides hurt.  I am in the early stages of realizing something important, I think:  I don’t want to hide anymore.  I don’t want to lie anymore.  I don’t want to feel this dirty anymore.

In my group meetings, I hear guys talk about how their recovery is their own. One guy said something I actually wrote down: my recovery success isn’t dependent on how my wife responds.  When I heard that, it didn’t make sense to me.  I didn’t get it or even believe it.  That’s why we are all here, right?  To try and appease our wives and save our marriages?

That is what I have been doing…

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