Dear Shitty Husband,
I know what you’re thinking. It’s one of, or some combination of, the following:
- I’m not a shitty husband! I work 50-hour-plus weeks to pay for our house, and our cars, and our vacations, and her jewelry, and the kids’ activities. I love my wife and family!
- I’m not a shitty husband! I would do ANYTHING for my wife.
- I’m not a shitty husband! I fix things around the house that need fixed. I mow the lawn, and walk the dog, and take out the trash, and help change diapers, and run the kids to their little league games.
- I’m not a shitty husband! I always make sure she has an orgasm when we have sex once a week!
- I’m not a shitty husband! I don’t drink excessively, I’m drug-free, I work out, I don’t hit…
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Is marriage biological, social, or spiritual?
Answer: All of the above. Not to mention divine.
Yes, we humans have the same biological drives to mate and reproduce as the rest of the higher animals. And yes, marriage does help to provide social stability and a healthy environment for raising children—assuming the marriages themselves are healthy.
But marriage goes far beyond biology and sociology. At least it does according to Emanuel Swedenborg, who published a controversial book on the subject back in the eighteenth century. Marriage, says Swedenborg, is a spiritual and eternal relationship because it comes from the very nature of God.
What? Is God married?
Yes . . . but it’s not what you’re thinking! There is not a marriage between male and female deities and a whole family of little gods and goddesses running around some celestial Mount Olympus. Instead, there is a marriage of divine love…
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“So how often are you reaching out to the guys in your recovery groups?”
That was what my counselor asked me yesterday in my session with him. Reaching out? Does he mean like actually talking to them or just being in group? No, he meant actually texting and calling other men to “talk.” There was just one thing my counselor didn’t know. I don’t know how to reach out and actually talk to men. These are guys who have problems. They have issues and they share them openly so I know what they are struggling with. Why would I want to reach out to them and talk to them?
“You need to start working on building intimacy with other men. It’s how you learn to build relationships.”
Ok, is he really serious? What am I supposed to talk about? And to whom? I know they pass a phone list around…
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I am watching videos while my wife meets with our therapist on the morning of day 3 of our disclosure. This is an interesting video, related to the science of addiction, that addiction is actually a disease, and the impact on the brain. The short and long term impacts are staggering and are illustrative of the depths of my addiction and the difficulty to rewire my brain and break out of this place of depression and damage to myself, my spouse and my family. I keep saying over and over with each new revelation that I didn’t know, I didn’t know, I didn’t know. I am very aware and concerned about not taking responsibility. I do take responsibility for my behavior. There is so much here that I didn’t know, or more accurately, didn’t see.
We are discussing my assessment results. I took several assessments when I scheduled the intensive…
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One of the great gifts to me in my journey has been my wife.
At the point in my life when my addiction finally came to light she did something crucial: she held my feet to the fire and did not withhold her anger.
She was furious, and rightly so.
In my experience, men whose wives shield them from the anger that arises when the reality of porn addiction is revealed miss out on something crucial.
They miss the opportunity to reckon with the brutal truth that what they have been a part of in acting on their sexual compulsions has truly brought death into their marriages.
The Biblical teaching that my sin affects the body of Christ was driven home to me when i saw — in unvarnished terms — how it affected my wife.
William Paul Young, author of The Shack
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