The Pain of Being “Pushed”: The Relational Trauma of Partners

LifeSTAR Central Valley Blog


Have you seen this highly popular video of the man pushing his girlfriend off a cliff? The video begins with a woman preparing herself mentally for her ominous cliff jump, then repeatedly deciding not to take the plunge. It is excruciating watching her, especially when her boyfriend enters the screen. He attempts to reassure her with the words “I’m not going to push you”. Moments later, he shoves her off the ledge. She falls, screaming down into the ravine. As the rope swings her across the valley, her voice echoes “I’m breaking up with you!”

Let me ask you: If you were the girlfriend in this scenario, would you be afraid of getting near that cliff again? Might you have “trust issues” after an experience like this? Would you be less likely to believe your boyfriend next time he promises “I won’t push you”?

This is similar to the…

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How to Know if a Sex Addict is Really in Recovery (A Podcast Interview)

LifeSTAR Central Valley Blog

He Says He's In Recovery, But is it True?
Partners of sex addicts are on heart-breaking and hard journey. One of the many challenges they face is seeking emotional safety within their relationship, which is a difficult skill to master. In many cases, an addict will make promises of change (certainly, they usually want to change). But, based on their history of misusing  words, they often create a situation where words mean nothing and action with the right attitude means everything.
In my recent interview with Betrayal Trauma Recovery, I talked about what constitutes good recovery for an addict and what partners can look for as signs of progress. If you’re a partner of a sex or pornography addict, I encourage you to listen to this podcast (here) and seek the help you deserve. We at LifeSTAR of the Central Valley have served partners for many years and we are here to serve you.
Wishing all partners strength, hope…

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How do I talk about porn?


Let’s face it – talking about lust or porn often makes us feel dirty. We don’t want to sound like weirdos or perverts. So what is a way to talk wisely and helpfully about lust and its traps?

Covenant Eyes provides some great insights in this recent post.

The Covenant Eyes Customer Service Department has an unwritten rule when making outbound calls: Be cautious about leaving voice messages.

This seems strange. After all, doctors leave messages instructing patients to call back for test results, and loan sharks certainly have no shame in harassing their debtors at all hours of the day. So why should we refrain?

Because many of our users come to us as a result of habitual porn use, Covenant Eyes to them has the automatic association with porn problems. Hearing our name on a voice message, seeing our Filter block page, or even just seeing our…

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How Marital Affairs Happen: The Beautiful Stranger I Wanted to Sleep With While I Was Married

Must Be This Tall To Ride

man sitting at bar drinking (Image/Shutterstock)

Because I am sometimes a walking cliché who struggles with controlling negative emotion, I found myself sitting at a bar on a Sunday afternoon with a shot and a beer in front of me.

I’d walked out of the house after another fight with my wife who hated me. My marriage was complete shit and I’d convinced myself that it was mostly her fault. She’d suffered a difficult personal loss, and because her emotional calibration and mindset had the “wrong” settings, she wasn’t prioritizing our marriage over her sadness.

I’d been sleeping in the guest room ever since the night she told me over dinner that she didn’t love me anymore and didn’t know whether she wanted to stay married. That had been more than a year earlier.

Don’t love me, huh? Neat. Way to screw me over after I pledged my entire life to you.

Instead of exercising…

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Confession – Keith B –

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” – 1 John 1:9

I confessed my sins in secret. I didn’t spend a lot of time on it and didn’t see the importance. 1 John states the results of confession – forgiveness and purification from unrighteousness. But what if we don’t confess our sins? What happens then?

My life was an example of unconfessed sin and incorporated shame. My exposure to pornography and an unwanted sexual experience at an early age warped my view of my value to God and my ability to confess sin. I didn’t believe that confession to God or to others was possible. I thought my sin was more, different, and unforgivable. Sin and temptation meant judgment, not confession or grace.

Unconfessed sin rotted me from the…

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The Myth of the Nagging Wife — It’s Invisible Burns That Actually End Marriages

Must Be This Tall To Ride

Burn victim with medical bandages Sometimes we’ll find it’s the husbands, or men, in relationships whose invisible wounds aren’t properly cared for. Just not most of the time. (Image/RawStory) We sometimes hear husbands complain about their stupid, bitchy, nagging wives.

Some of them probably are married to petty, unkind women who’ve been plotting all along to make their husbands’ lives miserable. Statistical probability and whatnot.

But that’s NOT who most women are.

Most women said yes to a man’s voluntarily offered marriage proposal.

This isn’t arranged marriage in medieval times. This is one adult voluntarily asking another adult to give up being single together to form a partnership and live together faithfully for the rest of their lives, share property and finances, and maybe have children together.

Maybe some people don’t mentally grasp the parameters of a typical marriage agreement, but I feel confident in speculating that most do. Most people know what they’re signing…

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